Valentine's 2010

I'd gotten through the day unscathed. Or so I thought.

It was Valentine's Day and I spent much of the day reminding myself that it was just another day. But it wasn't just another day, it was the most dreaded day of the year for most of the "unattached".

I'd climbed into bed that night thinking to myself that I'd made it through the day without a shimmer of negative emotion. But, that wouldn't last as I found myself slipping into the escape of sleep.

I woke up, drenched with sweat. My eyes hurt and I felt that familiar pain in my heart. I glanced at the clock, it was just a little after one in the morning. I stood and looked at the mirror of my vanity. Even in the faint glow of the various electronics, such as the clock and cable box, I could see the swollen and puffy telltale signs of having cried. The lighting and my appearance made me look older than I was. Haggard.

I had been dreaming. The visions, albeit clouded, showed up as a different kind of Valentine's Day.

In my dream, I was shrouded in a floor length cloak that was sewn together with every negative thing I had ever experienced in my past relationships. The knot at the base of my neck was so tight it almost choked me. Try as I might, I could loosen it's hold. A box of Valentine chocolates hovered in front me. They were not held by hands or sitting on a table, they just sat there in midair. I opened the box, expecting to see the variety of chocolates inside. Instead, there was every kind of bug and crawly creature in each of the holes intended for the sweet treats.

In horror I dropped the box. The sound it made hitting the floor woke me from my nightmare.

Why, oh why, couldn't I have passed by this day without event?

I silently moved to the kitchen for a glass of water. My throat was hurting and the cool refreshment soothed the burning pain. While I could be happy for those that spent the day enjoying attention of loved ones, I was still reminded of the pain my heart felt.

I returned to my room, slipping into bed, and hoped that the dreams wouldn't come. At the very least, if they did come, I wished to not remember or be affected by them.

My thoughts were jumbled as I laid there staring at the ceiling. I didn't have to feel this way, I told myself, I was overreacting to just another day.

I fell asleep again, dreading what would fill my head. Waking the next morning, I had my wish. Nothing else, that I remembered, was eventful for the remainder of the night. I was grateful.

I moved through my chores with a numbness. I hoped this feeling would pass if I had enough to keep my hands busy. "Just another day," I echoed in the confines of my brain. Another Monday. Outside it was raining and overcast, a perfect interpretation of my mood.

It would be another year before that day would come around again. Maybe next time I would fare better.

Maybe.